note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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