I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
