Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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