ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
