there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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