my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
