I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
