My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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