literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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