I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
