Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
