I want to walk on stilts...naked
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
