I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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