I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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