I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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