So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
