I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just invented taco cereal.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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