I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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