You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
