...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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