some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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