i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
