Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So I just went to clothing optional bar
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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