What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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