Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
