My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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