I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
