all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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