I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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