what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
