sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
