Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
