Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
