turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
