he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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