i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize