I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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