i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
