He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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