So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
