Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
