I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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