I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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