apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
