tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
