Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He is an equal opportunity slut.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
