Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
