He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
