I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
