The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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