Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
