i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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