Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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