and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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