Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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