So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
